Do you ever look at a favorite shirt and think, “you know what would make this better? extending it so it loops around my crotch and makes a weirdly sensual endeavor out of peeing”

No, you’ve never thought that? Then you must not be a retail fashion designer right now, because every other shirt available for purchase is a bodysuit and it makes me want to claw my eyes out.

Like off-shoulder tops and plunging necklines, bodysuits are an Interesting Trend that dove off the cliff of Too Much Of A Good Thing. They were cool, once. You could get them from American Apparel, mostly. They gave an interesting profile to voluminous skirts. Joan Didion wore one.

And then in the long disco hangover that has been S/S ’16, they overstepped their bounds.

This floral wrap blouse does not need crotch fabric.
free people
(Free People)

This camisole does not need crotch fabric.
nasty gal

This extremely regular striped TEE SHIRT does not need crotch fabric.

Actually (hot take alert), basically nothing *needs* crotch fabric.

Some remarkable life-hacks that approximate the effects of the bodysuit include:
a) tucking in your shirt and
b) buying it in a size that skims your body.

Before you click “check out” on that bodysuit in your shopping cart, ask yourself, could I approximate the waist-up effect of this shirt without the crotch fabric?

If so, don’t buy it. Or else you’ll wake up some time this November with a giant pile of dumb bodysuits, which you will have to send to join their comrades, your old folk-embroidery dresses and your old culottes and your old lace up henleys. (The last of which — seriously? — how did we let become a thing again? But I’ll bite my tongue.)

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