The Tea Party is angry! I think someone slipped something in their tea- maybe “Red Bull,” or a bunch of “5 Hour Energy” shots, or some Jamba Juice “Strawberry Energizer.” In any case, they are pissed!
Perhaps their anger is historically justified since the actual Tea Party occurred on December 16, 1773, when some really angry American Colonists stormed a ship in Boston Harbor and dumped the tea overboard to protest the Tea Tax. They were led by Samuel Adams (the beer guy) – and I believe his friend Bud Weiser and Jack Daniels were there as well.
All this anger is not healthy. So, in an effort to help bring some inner calm to the angry people in the Tea Party, I have a few suggestions:
1. Chamomile Tea: Rename the group “The Chamomile Tea Party” and start drinking a lot of this soothing, almost magical herb tea before your rallies. I especially recommend Bigelow’s Cozy Chamomile Herb Tea – the package has nice flowers and butterflies on it and I think if you were to stare at it while drinking the tea, it would help a lot.
2. Get better candidates: The Tea Party Express gave $250,000 to the campaign of Delaware US Senate candidate Christine “The Teenage Witch” O’Donnell. I know it would anger me if the candidate I supported turned out to be a witch. I could also imagine it’s really confusing/angering when so many in the Tea Party love to demonize Muslims and now have to defend a candidate who admittedly “dabbled” in witchcraft, dated witches and had a picnic on a satanic altar. (I guess American-Witches are better than American-Muslims to some in The Tea Party.) Now, of course, if she had been a vampire, that would be different. Vampires are cool-witches are not. I’m a fan of HBO’s “True Blood” (not “Twilight”…okay, maybe a little) and most of the vampires on the show are progressive people who favor rights for all because they are a minority group themselves. So if you are going to support a supernatural candidate, make it a vampire or even a werewolf, not a witch.
3. Stand for Something Positive: I keep hearing you say: “We are against Big Government” followed usually by “Obama is a Fascist/Socialist/Muslim/not born in America.” But how will that create jobs? What ideas do you have to spark the economy? I’m seriously all ears. We need ideas to help our economy. For example, I wish we could harness your anger and use it as a form of energy and produce revenue- maybe some new type of windmill system where the angrier you get, the more the windmill spins and the more power produced. I’m just spitballing here, so maybe it’s not the best idea, but it’s an idea. America is waiting to hear your ideas on sparking the economy other than your mantra: “Cut spending.” I’m not an economist, but I have no idea how that will create jobs for the millions of Americans out of work.
4. Laughter: A great stress reliever. We all need to laugh more, so go to a comedy show. By the looks of some people involved in the Tea Party “leadership” such as Dick Armey, he hasn’t laughed (or taken a poop) in years.
At the original Tea Party, the angry mob dumped tea overboard to protest the Tea Tax, but in our current crisis, angrily dumping tea into the river won’t help our economy or create jobs. What will help America are real, credible ideas based in economic reality. I keep waiting for the Tea Party to start telling us what they propose to help our economy as opposed to what they hate. Your move Tea Party!