What Did You Learn in 2009? Test your knowledge by answering these objectively scientific questions about the celebrities, politicians and fifteen minute famers who made headlines.
You would describe 2009: “THE YEAR OF
A) Undermining Uninsured, Unemployed, and Underrepresented Minorities.
B) The Man-Child
C) Hope in a Bottle
(You can answer differently than the scorekeeper)
If a female celebrity accepts an award for her work, a male peer should:
A) Corner her with an unsolicited kiss, you’ll never get the chance again and not just because she is married!
B) Interrupt her speech to say she didn’t deserve to win.
C) Promote a political cause, even if he can’t pronounce Ahmadinejad.
When exploiting children for commercial gain:
A) Buy them matching uniforms.
B) Never read them books, it sends subliminal message to viewers.
C) Keep copies of the footage for their future shrink appointments.
If a male physically abuses his girlfriend or female colleague, he might:
A) Ditch her in their shared office, McMansion, or rental car.
B) Blame the media.
C) Apologize via Twitter, Facebook, MySpace or a YouTube video; someone else can forward her the link.
If a married politician or celebrity cheats, he ought to:
A) Engage in unprotected sex with as many people as possible, because if she takes you back, you may be stuck with her.
B) Do a prostitute or escort, she won’t get how to sexually exploit someone for money.
C) Invent an original alibi, as coming out of the closet, hiking, and a fetish for S & M in trouser socks is already taken.
D) Hide any athletic gear or sharp objects from his spurned wife.
When gunning for your fifteen minutes of fame from infidelity:
A) Swipe toiletries from the hotel for proof of your lover’s lust and hygiene practices.
B) Keep receipts of your rendezvous for taxes.
C) You want to hone your reality show pitch, like Skanks Doing Pranks or Males Are Hos Too.
After a failed Presidential campaign, politicians will:
A) Serve boxed wine in exchange for donors buying your memoir at full price.
B) Decry reform as socialism, while collecting government subsidized health care.
C) Consult on national security, when your international experience consists of finding a parking spot near the U.N.
If after skipping out on bail, you should:
A) Find a spokesperson whose own biological son is his brother-in-law, ex is his mother-in-law to stump on your behalf.
B) Describe his admitted drugging and raping a minor as not “rape rape.”
C) Move to Europe where sexual assault is a poet’s personal beeswax.
Say you carry a weapon, you want to:
A) Wear sweatpants without pockets.
B) Test it out on college campus, military bases, or crowded piazza, and then run!
C) Deploy to Afghanistan, apparently we need more armed bodies there.
For religious reasons, people will:
A) Veto gays and lesbian’s liberal causes like marriage and the military.
B) Kill other humans, especially over holy land.
C) Practice polygamy, but only if the women dress in corduroy prairie dresses.
To win a US political election, a candidate should:
A) Spend $200 on behalf of voters in lieu of giving them cash during a recession.
B) Rant about immigrants, even if he’s not Native-American.
C) Invest hundreds of dollars in hair care (true for tennis players too).
The Banking industry needs to:
A) Build sturdier pyramids.
B) Merge with the other conglomerates to form all we need: US Treasury-Google-Apple-Twitter-HBO-Netflix-H&M-CVS-Ikea-Trader Joe’s-US Government.
C) Be paid more than less intelligent peers, like rocket scientists, doctors, teachers, professors, public servants, therapists, engineers, and nurses.
To ring in 2010, US Citizens will:
A) Blog, text, drink red wine, call their congressman, exercise more, eat less, take a second job, sanitize their hands, vote for viral videos, all while driving.
B) Crash a political function, just remember C-Spanners tuck in before the ball drops.
C) Fist bump.
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